WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?"
He said "Because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-
of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.